I’ve been these two things a bit lately.
It doesn’t help that I can’t sleep very well. It also doesn’t help that I spend almost every day inside studying. Although, it was raining on the days I was in and on the days I went out for exams the sun was shining.
It doesn’t help that things just seem disappointing. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been paid in ages because the system at the hospital and uni is fairly unreliable. I’m disappointed that because of that I can’t buy new shoes and my nicest winter shoes are Chucks. Yeah, my “nicest” shoes are Converse Chuck Taylor’s. They’re not even very good for winter because they’re not warm and if I wore them in the rain my socks would be soaked in seconds.
I’m disappointed that things have been busy and I’ve barely spent any time alone with my husband in weeks. When we first started dating one of the things I really liked about him was that he liked to make people smile. I used to think that he had a weird sense of humour, or that he was just really silly for no reason. There was a reason, he wanted to make people smile. I thought it was great that he would care about other people enough that he’d care if they were smiling or not.
I once asked him what he would be if he were anything in the world. He said he would be a clown because then making people smile would be his profession. As I got to know him better I found another side to him. He doesn’t care much about convention and social etiquette. He doesn’t seem to think you should act a certain way just because people expect you to. In some ways I think it’s good, but sometimes I feel like this attitude comes across as just plain rude. When we’re at dinner with people who he doesn’t necessarily care to be with at that point he can seem rather rude. I feel like I’ve seen a lot more of the rude guy than the make people smile guy. I wonder if it’s a reflection on how much he feels like smiling these days. That idea makes me sad because I don’t know how to make things better. I just have to hope (and praying might help too) that soon things will be less busy and more happy.